


cause even when she’s next to me (we could not be more far apart)

by Lavelle16



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: Arsenal FC, F/F, Hanahaki Disease
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-05
Updated: 2020-06-05
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:53:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24556507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lavelle16/pseuds/Lavelle16
Summary: Jordan opens her mouth to protest but she feels a scratch in her throat and turns back around to the sink as she coughs into her hand. She feels something soft land in her hand and sees a singular flower petal there. A daffodil.“You alright?”Jordan crushes the petal in her hand and turns around to see Leah looking at her in concern. She doesn’t know what the flower means but the sound of the girls laughter floats through again and she knows this isn’t the right place.“Yeah, I guess”
Relationships: Leah Williamson/Jordan Nobbs
Comments: 1
Kudos: 98





	cause even when she’s next to me (we could not be more far apart)

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired to write this by profound_garden whose fanfics have been getting me through quarantine. 
> 
> :) 
> 
> title from She by dodie

When it happens first, Jordan doesn’t know what it is. 

It’s a Friday evening and the team is having a bonding night at her apartment. She’s in the kitchen, making more popcorn to refill the empty bowls and trying to show she's a responsible host. The rest of the girls are still playing some card game in the living room and she can hear their excited yelling through the open doorway. Daan and Lisa are somehow the only ones left in the game and she hears Lisa’s accusing yells even though she can’t really understand with her Scottish accent becoming thicker as she gets more excited. 

“You alright in here?”

Leah’s leaning against the doorframe with her arms crossed and an eyebrow raised in amusement. There’s a small grin tugging at her lips and Jordan finds herself thankful for the countertop behind her, her legs suddenly too weak to support her by themselves. 

“Yeah. I’m just waiting for the popcorn” she gestured with a thumb over her shoulder “It’s also good to get away from the noise for a minute”

“Tell me about it” Leah rolls her eyes “I swear Daan’s about two seconds away from throwing herself at Lisa”

Jordan laughs lightly and Leah beams back at her again. The microwave beeps behind her, breaking the moment between them. Jordan’s just finished pouring the popcorn into a bowl when Leah’s hand reaches out and snatches it herself.

“I’d better bring this in” she says, her breath dancing along the back of Jordan’s neck and effectively stopping any attempt to take it back “We don’t want it to be half gone by the time it reaches the girls”

Jordan opens her mouth to protest but she feels a scratch in her throat and turns back around to the sink as she coughs into her hand. She feels something soft land in her hand and sees a singular flower petal there. A daffodil. 

“You alright?”

Jordan crushes the petal in her hand and turns around to see Leah looking at her in concern. She doesn’t know what the flower means but the sound of the girls laughter floats through again and she knows this isn’t the right place.

“Yeah, I guess”

********

It’s almost twelve when the last of the girls leave her apartment. She immediately turns on her laptop and opens Chrome to type in ‘coughing up flowers’

Hanahaki Disease.

She’s heard of it before. A disease that comes from unrequited love where the only cure is to cut it out and lose all feelings and memories of the loved one. There was a distant family friend that had it and refused surgery. He passed away two months later. A stupid choice she had always thought.

Memories of Leah flash through her head. The crinkles by her eyes when she smiles, the quiet little giggles she does when she’s trying to hold back laughter, the way her eyes had shined when she scored her first England goal and the quiet ‘thank you’ she had whispered into Jordans hair after.

She thinks of the way her heart beats a little faster when their arms brush, the butterflies that fill her stomach when they're pressed together in a team celebration and how flustered she gets when Leah falls asleep against her on a long bus journey.

Maybe it wasn’t too stupid a choice.

********

The next time it happens, she’s a little more prepared.

There’s an early mid week training that most of the girls hate but Jordan actually finds herself looking forward to. It’s always really quiet, the sun barely there and the grass still wet from the early morning dew. It reminds Jordan of when she was younger and she’d wake up early every morning to practice before school. It was just her all alone in the back garden while her parents were still sleeping. Before the pressure of national team call ups and worrying about old injuries.

“I swear Joe is trying to kill us” Leah grumbles from where she’s slumped against the wall beside Jordan, ready apart from her untied laces. “You’re a proper weirdo as well, looking forward to these trainings”

Jordan laughs as she looks around the room at the girls that are all mirroring Leah in some way. The only one that looks awake is Jill, which doesn’t surprise Jordan at all. The energy that she has could probably power half of London.

“I’m just excited to go show you up is all. So you ready?”

Leah rolled her eyes but didn’t make any movement to get up.

“Will you tie my laces? I think I’ll fall asleep if I bend down to do it”

It was Jordan’s turn to roll her eyes but she couldn’t really refuse anything Leah asked, especially when she pouted like she was now.

She was just finishing a double knot on her left boot when Leah dropped a hand to her shoulder to rub circles with her thumb, her hand burning Jordans skin through two layers. 

It was three petals this time, the bright purple standing out against her pale palm. She bent her head further to hide Leah's view and scrunched them up quickly in her fist. 

“You ok?” Leah asked after she had finished coughing, her hand stalling in its path on Jordans back.

“Yeah, course” She clambered to her feet and took a step back from the bench, carefully hiding her hands behind her back “We should really get going”

She turned and headed in the search of a bin before Leah could catch up. She didn’t see the frown on Dan’s face from the other side of the changing room.

*********

It gets easier to deal with. 

Jordan learns how to cough around others without letting them see the flowers. She dismisses any worries with a tilt of her head and a quick smile. She finds that it gets worse when she’s by herself with Leah and makes sure there’s always at least one person in the room with them. She spends her spare time looking up flower meanings and soon familiarizes herself with each one she chokes on. 

She manages to hide the rapidly deteriorating illness from everyone. 

Everyone but Leah of course.

They’re walking back to the bus after a training session at an England camp when she slows down her walk to cough two full snapdragons into her hand. 

“What’s going on with you Jordan?”

She stuffs the flower into her jumper pocket before regaining a neutral expression and turning around.

“Nothing” she shrugged nonchalantly “Just a cough”

Leah’s frown deepens as she tilts her head and surveys Jordan carefully.

“I thought we were friends. Now you’re lying to me?”

“Leah” Jordan sighed as she stepped forward and slid her hand into Leahs, ignoring the scratch in her throat at the action “It’s nothing to worry about, alright?”

When Leah doesn’t answer, she squeezes her hand and smiles at her gently. Eventually Leah nods and smiles slightly back at her. It lacks its usual warmth but Jordan counts the victory and tugs Leah after her as they walk back to the bus. She doesn’t let go until the reach the hotel.

********

That night when Lucy’s gone to find Keira, Jordan locks herself in their bathroom and coughs up flowers for an hour. 

This time the yellow marigolds are stained red with blood.

********

It’s Dan that confronts her next. 

Jordan’s been spending more time at her apartment, hardly spending any time outside that or the pitch. Every training session is draining these days even the light ones and she stops for water breaks more often than anyone else, the stem in her throat choking her every time she even thinks of Leah. 

She can feel it pressing against her lung more and more with everyday that passes and she knows that soon she’s going to have start thinking of the future. If she even has one to think about.

It’s a Monday and Jordan only has tonight to rest before training again tomorrow. That particular training had left her gasping for breath and coughing uncontrollably for a full five minutes. She’s hadn’t even made it to her room when she’d gotten home, instead falling on the couch and flicking on a random show on TV before she fell asleep.

When she woke up again it was because someone was knocking loudly on her door. She blinked a few times as she tried to get her bearings but the knocking only grew louder and she stumbled to her feet and over to the door.

“About time” Dan said when Jordan finally opened the door, pushing past her as if it was her own apartment “I was only out there for at least twenty minutes”

“What are you doing here Dan?” she sighed as she sat down on the couch again, her exhaustion hitting again.

“I’m here because I haven’t seen you outside of training in weeks. I’m worried about you.” There was a pause and then “Leah is worried about you”

“Well why hasn’t she shown up to my apartment to break down my door” Jordan shot back, the bitterness more evident than she had meant

Dan raised an eyebrow and sat down beside Jordan on the couch.

“She thinks you’re ignoring her” she said quietly “I think you’re ignoring everyone. Now I’m not stupid and I think I might know what’s going on but I’m just going to ask you once. What’s wrong?”

Jordan sighed and let her head fall against the couch as she tried to put it into words. How does she say that she’s going to die because of a stupid crush?

“I can’t train anymore” she started, figuring out her explanation slowly “because if I run for too long and then Leah looks at me or I hear her laugh then I start choking. I can’t be in the same room as her without coughing up flowers. I think of her and I bleed”

Dan was silent for a moment. She dropped a hand onto Jordan’s knee and squeezed lightly.

“Hanahaki?”

The word is too loud in the silence of the room even with the quiet tone Dan uses. It’s the first time Jordan heard the word out loud and she clenches her eyes tightly to try and stop the tears that are stinging her eyelids. She doesn’t say anything but it’s enough of an answer for Dan who pulls her closer to her chest and runs a comforting hand up and down her back.

“We’ll figure it out Jord” 

Jordan doesn’t say anything because she’s known the truth for weeks. There are only two options and the idea of forgetting Leah, of losing her capacity to love her, she knows it’s not worth it.

The sounds of whatever programme is running on the TV drowns out Jordans quiet sobs and the only evidence of them was the dark stain on Dans t-shirt when she leaves.

********

She doesn’t go to training the next day. 

She wakes to a text from Dan ‘DO NOT even think about coming to training! I will cover for you’ and figures she’d like to live for the next few weeks before Dan killed her. Instead she flops back on her bed and gratefully closes her eyes.

She thinks of what Dan said last night, about Leah being worried and she thinks of a deep frown and concern clear in bright blue eyes. 

She coughs up a yellow rose onto her pillow before she closes her eyes.

********

Jordan hasn’t left her bed in days. Dan calls around every day but no one else does. She suspects Dan said something to them because while they don’t visit, her phone is constantly buzzing from calls and messages. 

She doesn’t really have the strength to reply to all of them so she sends a single message into the group chat and then throws down her phone. 

Everytime Leah calls, she throws up a purple hyacinth.

Her room is overflowing with them.

********

Dan is at least twenty minutes late that night and Jordan sits on her couch and stares at the door waiting for it to knock. She tries to think of any reason why she could be so late and then laughs bitterly at herself.

Is this her life now? Waiting for one person to come and stay with her for a few hours a day before she dies? How sad.

The doorbell finally rings and Jordan clambers to her feet quite clumsily in her rush to open the door. When she does, it’s not Dan that’s standing there. She raises her head a little and looks into blue eyes for the first time in weeks.

Leah looks unsure of herself in a way that Jordan’s never seen before. Not before matches or exams or her first national camp. Jordan opens her mouth to say something but closes it quickly when she feels something crawling up her throat. She tries to swallow it down but the flower pushes its way through until Jordan feels like she’s going to throw up. She turns and leaves Leah in the doorway, racing as quickly as she could to the bathroom where she falls to her knees and coughs and coughs until all she can see is pink camellias stained with blood. 

She falls against the wall, still coughing but only throwing up petals instead of full flowers.

“Jordan..”

Leah is standing in the doorway, looking down at Jordan with confusion written across her face. She shakes her head as she looks over the scene. The toilet overflowing with flowers and Jordan collapsed with petals and blood surrounding her.

“It’s nothing” she tries to convince her “just leave me alone please”

Leah shakes her head and takes another step forward but stops when Jordan coughs again, petals continuing to stream out of her mouth.

“Please Leah” she steadies her voice and ignores the underlying quiver “Get. Out.”

The last thing she sees before she falls to the floor is Leah walking back out the bathroom door.

********

When Jordan wakes up the next morning she’s lying in her still in the clothes she was wearing yesterday. She pushes herself up in her bed, her senses slowly growing stronger. There’s a thud from the kitchen and a muffled curse straight afterwards. The memories of last night flash through her mind as she shuffled out of bed and down the hall so it doesn’t surprise her that much when she sees Leah in the kitchen. She’s standing in front of the cooker, poking at something in a pan. Jordan leans against the doorway and just watches her for a while, not sure how many more of these moments she has left. 

Leah turns at last and sees her, she offers just a small smile and gestures towards the kitchen island. Jordan slides into a seat and watches as Leah moves around the kitchen as if it’s her own, pulling out plates and grabbing food as she goes until she turns back around and places a plate in front of Jordan. 

It’s an omelette. One of the first things Jordan taught her to make.

She feels a flower inching up her throat and desperately gulps down the drink Leah gave her. 

There’s silence for a few minutes as Jordan eats despite not having been able to taste anything other than soil for the past few days. Leah stands opposite the island and watches, her fingers tapping a smooth beat against the table. 

“It’s Hanahaki, isn’t it?” She finally breaks the silence. 

Jordan can’t look up at her, afraid of what she’d see and inside just nods as she pushes her food around, her appetite gone. 

“How long have you had it?” 

Another question Jordan didn’t want to answer as it would most definitely lead to a conversation she didn’t want to have. 

“3 months” she finally mutters 

“3 months?! And you haven’t had the surgery yet?”

“I’m not having surgery”

“Don’t be stupid, of course you’re having surgery”

“No I’ve made up my mind” Jordan’s voice is clearer now as she sticks by the decision she’d been stressing over “I’m not having it”

There’s another silence and Jordan still doesn't dare to look up. Leah's fingers have stopped tapping and when she speaks again, her voice is soft and vulnerable as if she’s scared to speak the words. 

“Jordan you could die without it”

“Don’t you think I know that?” Jordan pushes her plate away and stands up, striding across the room desperate to put space between her and Leah. To put space between the girl she was losing.

The urge to cough was getting overwhelming but she didn’t want any reason for Leah to comfort her or touch her, not sure if she could handle that right now. 

Leah was still silent and Jordan felt the need to keep talking. Explain her reasoning. Explain how while being around Leah chokes her, being without her, without those feelings burns all over. 

“You don’t get it” her voice is down to a mumble but it’s still somehow too loud in the silence “Living without my memories. Without my feelings for them, it’s just not worth it”

“You can’t die Jordan” Leah whispers, her voice strained “I can’t live without you. I love you”

Those three words that Jordan had longed to hear, that could have saved her before. Now they’re like shards of glass sticking into her heart, expanding until they’re tearing at her lungs and making her choke. 

“Don’t say that” she shakes her head, arms wrapping around her waist to try and create any sort of barrier she could. “Don’t tell me you love me” 

“But I do. Of course I love you”

It’s too much for Jordan to take. Too much for her to hear when they’re not said the way she wants. The way she needs. 

“If you loved me then I wouldn’t be choking on flowers!” 

There’s another silence after her outburst. These silences that there never used to be suddenly commonplace. 

She drops her head to the floor, her eyes swimming with tears and her throat full of flowers. She knows even before she coughs them up what they’re going to be. Bright yellow daffodils. 

She doesn’t hear Leah crossing the room until she’s right in front of her and then there’s a finger under her chin urging her to look up. Leah's eyes mirror hers with their own tears and there’s a small, tired smile on her lips. 

“You idiot” is all she says before she’s leaning forward and brushing her lips against Jordan’s. 

Leah tastes like raspberry lipgloss and salty tears and something uniquely Leah that’s entirely intoxicating. Jordan can’t think, can’t breathe. Nothing makes sense as she feels Leah's hands settle against her face and her own fall to Leah's hips, gripping tightly and pulling her even closer. 

Eventually the need to breathe overtakes and she pulls back slightly to rest her forehead against Leahs, her breath ragged and her mind frayed. 

“You had to wait till I was dying before you did that?”

Leah laughs weakly as she pulls Jordan back in for a quick kiss and then wraps her hand around her neck for a hug. Jordan rests her head on Leah's shoulder and feels more than hears her answer. 

“I was afraid you wouldn’t feel the same way”

Jordan kisses Leah's collarbone in reassurance before she turns her head again to nestle against her neck. 

“Well, now who’s the idiot?” 

*********


End file.
